let it go

people always say it's easy to slip into a rut or a routine but it is just as easy to slip out of one. 

I didn't mean to take such a long blogging hiatus, but things have been hectic and fun-filled and busy busy! we've been happily hosting visitors to the Big Apple and spending a lot of time exploring the city and doing touristy things. I also went back to my homeland for an all-too-brief visit with Caitlin, and celebrated my 27th birthday. 

I'll have pictures and witty commentary to share on all these events soon enough, but for the last few days I've been enjoying having absolutely nothing to do. 

I wore some birthday swag for a walk around the Greenpoint neighborhood after things had started to settle down. Brandon got me this bag and dress from Century 21, which is one of my new favorite places to shop in the city. the bag is amazing! I love the color, and it's the perfect size for carrying essentials, a camera, and even a jacket. 

dress- BB Dakota // bag- Steve Madden // tights- HUE // flats- H&M

I've been very conscious of how I'm dressing, lately, and I feel like my style is evolving slowly. it's probably due to being surrounded by hip New Yorkers, and recently super-stylish friends, and a little due to getting older. I guess I'm officially in my late 20s now, so I've been consciously trying to dress more mature and build a more grown-up wardrobe. not grown-up as in boring, though. I'm just making a shift away from "teen vogue" and more towards.. well, regular Vogue, I guess. 

this constant dissatisfaction with my current wardrobe is probably also largely in part to being nowhere near who/what I wanted to be at this point in my life. time goes by too fast and nothing really changes. that sounds more depressing than I mean it to, but I'm speaking mainly about physical/medical stuff. I think it's been obvious on this blog that I've been struggling with body issues for a while, and I might as well just admit that it's a constant factor in my daily life. 

supposedly I have a thyroid condition. it's made me very sluggish, my hair unbelievably thin (including my eyebrows, which I now have to fill in), weight loss near impossible, and even my memory is suffering. it's nice to know at least part of what's going on, but it just took so long to address in the first place, and now it's taking even longer to fix. for the first few years basically everyone told me there was nothing wrong with me, and now that I know, I can't seem to do anything about it.

it's frustrating because along with the other symptoms my weight just will not get under control. it's a slow, unceasing weight gain that may not really look like a big deal, but every couple of months there is another fleet of clothes that no longer fit, a need for another new jacket (the arms are the worst), another store I can no longer shop in. I went from a size 2/4 to a size 14/16 in four years. I literally do not own a pair of jeans because I have no idea how long they will be good to me. I haven't felt like myself in years.

I'm not really sure of why I'm sharing this now. it's not for pity, or even encouragement. I guess I just finally needed to put it out there, and turning another year older made everything all the more real. who knows, maybe if someone else happens to be going through the same thing, it will be nice to know somebody understands that yeah, it really sucks. people might brush it off or see it as shallow or think it's an excuse, but when you have no control over your own body it can mess with your whole life. for example, when you have no confidence, it's hard to keep up a style blog. :) see, it all connects. 

so in conclusion, I am not the 27-year-old woman I hoped to be. but maybe I will be the 28-year-old one. BIRTHDAZE.

I promise, the next few posts will be way more fun...